| (no subject) |
[Dec. 9th, 2007|09:19 pm] |
So my date with Field turned out super awkward instead of super awesome. I was right. I'm not really ready to date anyone. Field is too nice and it started to piss me off. It's as if nothing in the world is bad for him which I would normally find endearing but I'm just not seeing it. We watched Monster House in my room and smashed for a while and then we went out to grab a bite to eat. We ended up at Starbucks and we talked for a while but there was no clicking action. Ultimately at around 10 he dropped me off at home and he went home and it wasn't too exhilarating of a night...UNTIL...
Rachel called and wanted to go party which I was not opposed to at all. I haven't drank for a while. I actually haven't drank for almost a month cause I've been so busy and stressed. So last weekend was good. We went to Amanda's party that she was having and being Amanda's friend we got in for free as everyone else payed $3 a cup. It was ridiculously packed in the house and it was kinda uncomfortable. I saw David there and clinged on to him with the jaws of life. Eventually David, Rachel and I ended up going back to David's and having our own party. I met a girl named Kirsten and she was AWESOME. We talked about music, philosophy, and pretty much everything the entire night. An hour into the party at David's a few other people showed up, one of them being my newest crush and this one is REAL. Not like the one I had on Field. Field is one of those people who I should like but it just isn't happening. But so this new boy's name is Joe. And it was adorable because he walked into the room and we immediately made eye contact and I was significantly inebriated so I asked his name and talked to him. He's a biochem major but he's taking a year off so we're going to graduate at the same time. He's taking the MCAT next year and he's not mean like all the other pre-med students. We talked pretty much the entire night. We went out for cigarettes and kept hugging and we laughed so much because we complimented each other very well. We started sobering up after a while and we still found each other extremely entertaining so he asked me for my number and said he'd call me today because he wanted to have a sleepover/all night adventure so we can continue talking a whole bunch. He asked if I had a boyfriend and it was weird to say "no" to that question. He doesn't have a girlfriend. So it should be dandy right? WRONG. He's gay and flirtatious is all. UHG. Damnit. Why do I have to like gay men.
Yesterday was weird because there I was studying physics and then BAM I started crying. Out of nowhere. I tried really hard to not call Sean and I succeeded until today. But he didn't answer the phone and he hasn't ever returned a call. Which makes me so angry. Does he honestly think I'm stupid enough to not realize it says "missed call" on a phone when you miss a call?! So I gave him the benefit of the doubt and left a message and still not return call. It bugs me because he was the one who insisted we stay friends. Really, if he didn't want to be friends to begin with he should have just fucking told me so I wouldn't expect him to act like one. I suppose it helps that every time I talk to him on the phone, it's just like being alone anyway but still. He could AT THE VERY LEAST be a fucking decent person. The last time we talked he tried convincing me that this was the "real" him. The him that was really cold and stripped of all effort.
I'm relapsing and it's really bugging me. I was doing okay. I really was. And now I'm going back and I really just don't want to feel anymore. I really want this to stop. The feeling. I don't care about Sean. I care about feeling hurt and I want it stop.
In other news, I got a tattoo. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2007|11:22 am] |
I hate boys. Plain and simple. They make me want to buy dishes at Goodwill and throw them while screaming at the top of my lungs until the cops come and question if domestic violence was involved and upon realizing I'm crazy, they'll reply "We should try that to relieve stress too."
This actually happened.
But Anjel and I both threw dishes so it wasn't just me. And no, we did not get in trouble. Our neighbors heard screaming and thought we were dying. They're nice people. |
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| Forever Black-eyed |
[Nov. 3rd, 2007|11:20 am] |
So last evening I woke from what was supposed to be a well-needed nap to being completely covered in blood and screaming at the top of my lungs because of the pain I was feeling. I'll spare you all the gruesome gory details and leave it at that my ovarian cyst burst.
The previous morning I woke up to what was supposed to be a normal morning conversation with who was supposed to be the love of my life. But really it was the last conversation I'd have with Sean because once again he broke up with me. This time very similar to the last in that he said he didn't find someone else but rather doesn't know about anything anymore. The last time he promised we'd stay together forever, that he'd continually try to make it work because this was it. This was us and this was meant to be and this was good. But he couldn't try anymore apparently. Apparently he doesn't know if he can love himself. I told him that I love him and the reasons why and he cried and I cried and he said "I'm sorry."
So like an idiot, I called him last night. I was so weak I could barely speak (I lost a lot of blood) but laying in a hospital bed, cold, and completely and utterly heart broken while in extreme uterine pain and not having anyone, I resorted to it. He hadn't called me since that last talk which upset me to no end but I tried to be strong the entire day and didn't take my phone with me to class so I wouldn't be able to check it constantly. But I couldn't be last night. So he answered eventually. It was a bout 3 his time. He spent some time on the phone with me. I just needed him to talk and say something good so I could fall asleep not feeling so unsafe. But he said "I'm sorry" once again. I told him what happened and why I was at the hospital and he said he cared about me and he loved me, but he didn't know if he "truly loved" me. And so not only was I in extreme uterine pain, consistently bleeding pints of blood, I was also ripped apart of everything I knew for 5 years in seconds. He then said he couldn't stay awake any longer so he got off the phone.
How could someone be so unkind?
I've been through this once before, however, so I can't make the same mistake twice. I told him last time if he were to break up with me again, I wouldn't come back and there would be nothing he could do to get me back. I'll hold by my word unlike him. So I gave back the ring he gave me to his brother. And now I'm left with this dent in my finger, some blood and suffering schoolwork.
It hasn't been a good November and it's only been 3 days. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 6th, 2006|08:58 am] |
Visiting the Tri-Cities this weekend. Lemme know if you'd like to see me! Or just comeover later tonight or something.
Hells yah. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 19th, 2006|11:18 am] |
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Has anyone else noticed that it says "Update Captain's Log" when you go to post? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2006|06:10 pm] |
Ben mutha fuckin Folds.
Thank you.
Thank you for existing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2006|09:24 pm] |
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My mom just asked me to put the car in the garage and I as i was standing there watching the garage door open, I envisioned a bunch of ninja's dressed in black rushing in. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2005|02:12 pm] |
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I think I'm coming down with something. I feel sick. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 16th, 2005|10:30 am] |
Take the What Fruit Are You? test by Ellen!
| What Your Underwear Says About You | 
When you're bad, you're very bad. And when you're good, you're still trouble!
You're comfortable in your own skin - and don't care to impress anyone. |
Audrey Hepburn
Glamerous, nonetheless you have a warm heart and
care about others, you are a good person.
What old Movie Star are You?
brought to you by Quizilla |
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| fail hard to regain |
[Sep. 27th, 2005|09:11 pm] |
Horrible day today. Just...horrible. There wasn't a single class, with the exception of journalism, that a little pond of water didn't form at the bottom of my eyes.
On a scale of one to ten, one being the worst, my day was a -923847298347249 but that's better than a -3984729384729387492387429837492384729834723 thanks to a certain great person I like to call Sean. :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2005|07:12 am] |
I felt like doing something different this morning. Not the usual morning ruitine. So i did my entire ruitine backwards. I woke up and started out by shaving my legs, which i usually don't do unless i have time and I ended my ruitine with what i usually do first, grumble in the mirror. Also, I plan on walking out backwards to the car. You may think this is really stupid, but you ought to try it. When life starts getting bland, spice it up man.
Today is going to be a good day. I love it when i start out mornings with a BAM.
Also, I think Casey is really cool. She's basically the nicest person i've ever met in my entire life. Even when everything went horrible yesterday, she still managed to have a smile on her face and she did bunches of nice things for people. I really admire her for that.
My digital camera has stolen my soul. But i got some ultra cool pictures on it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 19th, 2005|07:07 am] |
Uhhg. It be morning. I think we've decided that Tabi isn't a morning person. Perhaps if the day started off with school ending I'd be in a better mood. But like that's gonna happen. Maybe if i were on drugs.
Speaking of drugs, I'm wearing a skirt today...implying that i'll be rather self-conscious all day. Dunno why i decided to wear a skirt. I hate skirts. Maybe that's why. Subconsciously I love skirts and secretly wish i could prance around merrily wearing skirts 24/7. But by the time my subconscious convinces my surface, my surface is already wearing pants.
I fail at making posts.
And life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 26th, 2005|10:07 pm] |
The Cemetary- Architecture in Helsinki
It tickles my fancy.
:) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 26th, 2005|08:43 pm] |
it's still spelled e-v-e-n-i-n-g.
Whoa...brain blast. |
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| Bullet proof...i wish i was. |
[Aug. 26th, 2005|05:37 pm] |
I think it's hilarious that if i'm not online for a day, it seems like i haven't been online for like a week. But i should get in the habit of not being online so much because of how busy i'll be when school starts. My schedule for first sem. is..............Ap Calc, Ap Lit, Leadership, Ap Chem, Journalism, Govt. Originally journalism was going to be a space filler until i figured out what i actually wanted to take. It's either that or photography. I don't have a decent camera though. Meh, i have a few days to decide.
I am currently listening to Damien Rice doing an acoustic cover of Creep by Radiohead. *orgasms*
No one call my cell phone. It is currently out of minutes and probably won't be filled with minutes anytime soon seeing as how Tabi is afraid of her dad. But my house phone is up for calling. Besides, i can hear better out of it anyway. Fuck cell phones. Oh, but I am able to receive text messages. Make my day. C'mon. You know you want to do it.
I haven't really ACTUALLY eaten in forever. Not a good plan. My parents are grocery shopping and my mom promised to bring pudding home for me. I love pudding which is why i will not have a problem when my wisdom teeth decide to be pulled out on my birthday. MY BIRTHDAY. Those fuckers.
I'm such a lazy ass and didn't go to work today. I did, however, take a 4 hour nap. Screw productivity. In about 3 days i'm going to be too productive. I'm evening it out by being lazy right now. Is that how you spell evening? Like, as in, to even out?
Desire. |
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lips_for_biting's journal
